Written by Dallea Caldwell
If you’re over 21, not the designated driver, and plan to enjoy a spirited beverage or two in celebration of Ireland’s rich cultural heritage, perhaps- when skimming off the froth, you should pour out a few drops for our Saintly departed Saint Patrick. It’s his day, after all. Besides, archaeologists have recently discovered ancient scrolls dating back to the 5th century indicating that the patron Saint of Ireland literally prayed for rain to disrupt the St Patrick’s Day parade and probably needs help loosening up.
Historians offer 10 speculative reasons:
1. It’s the anniversary of his death, so he wouldn’t really be in a celebratory mood.
2. He was probably all holier-than-thou when it came to drunks, likely because he would have been the designated charioteer every time.
3. He preferred the original holiday’s color, which was blue.
4. He probably often forgot to wear green and got pinched a lot; and, that’s just cruel!
5. He was probably too humble to enjoy all the honorary hoopla and would feel like a false idol in a way.
6. Nobody says, “Kiss me. I’m not actually Irish but rather British-Roman.”
7. Clovers gave him allergies so he’d never put one in his hat.
8. Beef and cabbage gave him belly aches mixed together like that.
9. Everyone acts so silly and he’s all serious and stuff.
. ..and…
10. No one remembers his birthday.
Don’t believe us? It is written:
“I’m not some ‘ole stick-in-the-mud Buzz O’Killington. Of course I want you to have fun celebrating Irish heritage. I’m a saint for Pete’s sake! I would just prefer that you choose safer, more wholesome, less decadent activities like [blah, blah, blah]” – St. Patrick
Happy St. Patrick’s Day from the TalkLocal Team!
